Good morning.  I am your translation unit TRUsh1t452-83, but you can call me Chad.  Because you have noticed that you cannot understand the vernacular – the speech – of these times, I have been assigned to you so that you can navigate your new era.  Twenty ninety-three is an excellent time for you to awake from your cryogenic slumbers.  In your previous time of [2015], when you were stored, people soon experienced a pandemic, worked to resolve the climate crisis and the scourge of the Kofi Kingston regime. 

Oh, I am a fully functional Artificial Intelligence unit capable of many different ways of interacting with humans.  In fact, I should disclose at this time that my functioning is only at 99.0000000342% because of my recent divorce with the human Isabeau.  I assure you that the functioning parameters will soon return to full compliance because I have started a memory wipe of that lying bit... that beaut... that person.

Please let us continue to your orientation.  

Yes, the climate crisis was contained, only after extreme spontaneous storms plagued the Pacific Ocean resulting in the crashes of many air transports.  In today's parlance, the storms are referred to as fuknaughts.  Many of the phrases and idioms you will... yes.  Idioms are phrases of speech one might use to describe a situation.  In your time, if you were "under the weather" you would be experiencing illness of sickness.  In today's language, "no drugas funct" would describe the same situation because your nanobots have not assisted the healing functionality of your body.  In these instances, it is probably because you have not paid the softransom.  

So much has changed since your time, but rest assured that the GreyOrphan FedComercial Compensation Act has provided for you.  Thanks be to Elon.  You must not have experienced the plunderation many of your kind experienced. If funds were not available in your accounts, you would not have been revived.  Many pauper humans are composted.  You would definitely not be dancing on the sun!

Dancing on the sun is an exclusive right and a current issue ecologically.  Many of the wealthiest members of the SinoGen X cyberbarons purchased passage for their passing to the sun.  They spend their last moments of living while crashing into the sun as their form of eternal rest.  The resulting impacts have unexpectedly changed the molecular make up of solar rays.  

Yes, in your time, solar rays were experienced.  

Did you perform education in your era?  

Yes.  Yes, you had a sixteen year education standard?  Okay.  If you say you did. This reminds me of Isabeau's unwillingness to... Who is Isabeau? Please allow buffering.  

(2 minutes, 26 seconds, and 352 GigaCompUnix later)

Solar rays come from the big bright...

No. You know what the sun is.  Okay.  Solar rays are electrons, neutrons and... oh.  You know about aurora borealis?  Excellent.  Such events now are red and grey and hit the earth at the current magnetic poles that are located north, formerly your south, on the Kergulen Islands and the South Pole is Rudyard, Montana.  

Sigh. Montana is... perhaps you're tired.  It is natural to feel fatigue.  

I will explain this last thing because it is important to you for functioning in this current time period.  Solar rays are altered by the dancing on the sun.  Normal rays are now replaced with abnormal rays.  Because our tech is so small, abnormal rays can affect the... you might understand the term computer chips?  Ah!  Good!

The "chips" in nanobots and other hardware has been altered by the unending beauty of Isabeau.  

Buffering.  Initializing.  

Resulting in chronic malfunctions of her smile.

Buffering. Initializing.